So... it's inflection time.. (infliction you ask? No no, I say... inflection! but sorta the same thing.)
Ever since last week, I've been trying to get my mind back in the right spot.
See... we're all made up of patterns right? All of us. Part of the beauty of therapy is actually BREAKING the bad patterns.
My therapist, Betsey, was a little Jewish woman... pudgey... dark hair.. wore these big thick glasses. I'll never forget this.. I'd only gone to her once or twice... and I was talking about some guy at work and she stops me. Puts down her book, sets aside her glasses, and looks at me.
She says: Snidge... listen to me. I want you to stay away from men right now. I want you to go the other way. Do you know why? Because if you got involved right now it would be in a disastrous relationship probably with a married man and it would have a horrible effect on your esteem and well being.
And I remember leaving her office and thinking fuck you, lady. You don't know me! You have no idea who I am.
But she was right. And she continues to be so... until I break this habit of always going for the wrong guy. ALWAYS.
And not only that, but at the time I was on a pathway to deep depression and self-destruction.
So, when I first met Lo-Cal, I had also met another guy. We'll call him Billy. Billy was great.. he was a great NICE guy, who wanted nothing more than to take me out to dinner and treat me NICELY.
And I kept telling billy, you don't want to go out with me.. trust me. I'm bad news. I'm in a bad place.
And he would say, Bad Place, I'll be the one that decides that. I can take it. Don't worry about me, Bad Place.
And of course, I shit all over him in favor of Lo-Cal.
And so I was thinking about Billy this weekend and thinking, man that's the guy that I SHOULD have been with. I mean granted there was no chemistry there - and I do believe you must have that. But still.. he was a nice, decent guy.
And Lo-cal was not a nice, decent guy. He was a dickhead.
And you know what... the filipino that I dated... not a nice guy either - also had an ex that was hanging around.
Indy? He was a nice guy, I do believe that... but hello? EX-girlfriend.
Mistake of Chicago? Ex.
Are you seeing the pattern?
I put myself in these no-win situations. And who knows why in the fuck I do it. Maybe I'm afraid that something might actually (God forbid) work out.
So I heard this song today (thanks lu!), and I thought.. damn... I totally could have written that song.
If I was still an aspiring songwriter, I WOULD have written that song.
I've got to pull myself out of this funk... and stop wasting time looking back...
and I need to make wiser decisions... and stop getting myself into stupid situations where I end up questioning my worth.
So yeah.. Snidge is back in her bad place... but she's scratching and trying to climb her way out of that bad place. I don't want to go back there. I don't want to be that bitter, mean girl. I don't like her.
Wad has written the Rand McNally "A Bad Person's Guide to Bad Places."
It goes without question that Wad is a Bad Person.
Accordingly, Wad has been living in a Bad Place for over a year now. Slightly better digs, but still, a Bad Place. One bad night away from the bottle, and two bad nights from the business end of a Glock. Not a good place, certainly.
See, lots o' folks tell Wad where the good place is. Sometimes Wad even thinks they're right. But then, something happens that make the Wad Question His Decision.
It's never what the parties related think it is. Generally? It's little things. Unshared/Undiscussed/Unexplained things. But, BAM!, there they are.
A few months ago Wad made the decision that he would no longer worry about the landscape and start trying to affect changes to the method of transport. Some progress has been made, but as with the Snidge, it's all dirt and claws.
Things pull at the Wad. They whisper seductively in the back of his mind. Promising peace and tranquility at the mouth of a bottle or worse. Wad know this voice. He's felt the velvet touch of the Bad Place. He has claimed it, worked like hell to master it, and tries daily to walk a little bit further away.
So.
Take heart Snidge.
Wad's therapist realized after two visits that Wad was not like most of her other "patients". Wad was too "smart" for the psycho-babble (sorry Amy) and the all the "visualization" and "self-affirming" exercises in the world weren't going to do a bit of fucking good, because the Wad didn't believe and didn't want to.
In Wad's case? Wad will get better when he wants to. Maybe you and the Wad share this.
And if Snidge is Bad News, then Wad is 400 miles of interstate with no rest stops and no toilet paper.
Way back when, before the rocker, there was the new guy. All the new guy wanted was to get married and have kids... with me no less. I started talking to the rocker about the same time as the new guy. The new guy was serious, he was tired of being alone, just like me. But there was no passion (on my side anyway), and I decided the rocker was a better catch.
The new guy was the better choice. He really was. But, there was something missing. I regret not choosing him now. Oh well. Something better will come along, when it's the "right" time.
It will happen for you too.
How 'bout the last week in July for Alaska. There are lots of single guys in Alaska. We could start looking for the "right" guy there.
Snidge, you can't see your mistakes if you don't look back at them. Remember that when you start when you turn around, you need to keep your perspective on the past.
Gweny, for the record, I don't think that looking for men in Alaska is the best choice either. It's a nice place to visit, but a better place to run away from something to. Alaska = guys with issues, some lawful, some emotional. Take pictures and enjoy the natural beauty.
Perhaps Wad is saying that Alaska = infection (also possible from what I've heard) of course it's not like you'd be going to Alaska and staying at some remote oil camp or something.
We all make mistakes and we all have regrets, the trick is to stay in the game and keep trying. You've learned how to walk away when the situation is taking you to a bad place, or no place at all. Now rmember how to move forward and take a chance. All men are not pigs, all pigs are not men, and horses sleep standing up. (WTF??? oh well)
Always remember, and never forget, wherever you are in life, and whatever you're doing...there you are...and you're doinn it!! (Dare you to tell me what movie that one comes from -maybe not an exact quote...but close enough)
Don't give up. There has to be good guys in M-town. No city is that bad. You never know when good things will happen, trust me. You will find the right guy, he's out there somewhere.
Confession of a married chick:
I met Bill thru a personal ad I placed in the newspaper. (800 assholes later, Me: have you ever hit a woman? Him: yeah but she was a big bitch and it was in a bar....next) Anyway me and Bill talked forever. 10 hours a day...i was swooning...this guy was IT, man. I was in hog heaven.
So after a month of phone bill hell, we finally meet. I answer the door and this short little guy with a weak chin is standing there and my head went *oh my fucking God!*
See, I'm a big, burly guy type of girl. I like to feel all little and helpless and shit (shut the fuck up) and here's Bill who is everything I am not attracted to but damned if he wasn't just the nicest, wittiest, smartest guy I ever met.
I actually had to sorta force myself to kiss him the first time. But see, here's the thing...chemicals can come to you...they don't have to be there from the get go because the more you see someone, the more you love someone, you forget all about that looks shit. They grow on you and stuff.
If I had dismissed Bill based on the *absolutely no attraction* clause, I'd have seriously made the biggest mistake of my romantic life....EVER!
Just saying is all.